I made alot of changes in the past 9 months...some good and yes, some bad. Lets start with the bad! Why not get it over with. I cancelled my Fitness show in New York back in June 3 weeks before my date...gave up my first chance of making it pro. I havent been on stage since. Not only did I take a break from competeing I also lost 20 HARD earned pounds of muscle. I guess I thought that a new way of living would bring me a different kind of happiness. A type of happiness where one does nothing to fulfill their dreams and basically takes on a distorted view of reality! Not my reality... the one that I had created thru years of hard work, dedication, perserverance and passion! No, what I did was decide that my reality was no longer valid anymore. When a person gives up their dreams and their way of enjoyed living something crazy happens to them and everyone around them sees the transformation that they feel and deny. To give a long story a point. This is the natural downward spiral I created for myself.... I quit my successful job to work with someone who wasnt prepared to run a business. I lost my best friend whom I miss dearly! My house has gone into foreclosure TWICE ! My car is still here miraculously ( through the love of my mother). I went into about $10,000 worth of debt...and NO thats not credit cards!!! I have made sacrifices that no one should have to make! Dean and I are no longer together and probably will never be again. But most of all...and I give thanks to this new realization... I lost Amy, who I loved, who I respected, who I cherished. A person with ambition,drive, self-discipline. A person with honesty and loyality in her heart. A person who didnt have it all figured out and didnt need to. A person who still doesnt! It took another unexpected fork in the road to make me so angry that I finally said "Enough is enough!" And instead of falling on the ground and crying because I dont know which way to go, I put one foot in front of the other and just moved . I didnt crawl , I never made it to the ground ! I walked and I walked until I saw a new road ahead that didnt have a fork...no this road keeps on going as far as the eye can see, its limitless! I dont quite know why I made the choices I did this year to experience the hardships and sufferings I have. However, I do know that what ever my reality became was SUPPOSE to be MY reality, a condition that I created and needed (not the need I like) to experience. Yes my house is still in foreclosure, and yes I still dont have my best friend, and yes Im still in debt,and yes Dean and myself will move on, and this week I will have to depart from many possesions in my home as they leave with my supposed future, to never be seen again. Now for the good news... Nothing!!! is inherently good or bad. It is as it is !! Its how you deal with the choices you make or dont make in your life and the state of mind you carry with you each and every day as you decide to follow thru. I dont know what the end result will be, but I do know that it will not begin with tears! There will be tears along the way, but thats good! Im better off shedding that unwanted burden anyway!!! My only material goal is to save my familys' home! My ultimate goal is to have inner peace and stability to be able to handle that one given moment when it all may be taken away! I can handle it!