Helter Skelter Love Affair

Helter Skelter Love Affair the cold, barren magnitude of your sensuous death lips gives me a sense of hopelessness and lustful excitement. [[I want to break you down--]] slowly, with my hands tied behind my back. I'll untie the bondage with my pearly whites, then force you down on the pillow and smile as you struggle to not cry out. Bare chest [bleeding from the scratches] Warm legs [wrapped around me] Touseled hair falling everywhere [flowing through my fingers] Black skies crash on us like waves, your dark eyes quickly adjusting to the fear. innocence is [lost] your mouth is [mine] forever and ever... the taste of you haunting my tongue days and days after.

midnight victim

Midnight Victim. the rain falls on my face. --[your hands are shaking]-- I tell you I love you as my MP3 plays angel musick. I lean in to kiss you. && my batteries go dead. _-_-_-_-_-_-_ there was a bleeding expectancy seeping from your eyes, and I felt that feeling you get when you break a mirror and the glass cuts your hands and for a split second you wish it had cut you just a little deeper. just to feel... ...the shocking contentment of being flawed, misshapen, torn. I love being your midnight victim. The one you break down, underneath the moonglow. _-_-_-_-_-_-_ Distracted yet completely focused, you caress me with your trigger hand --[[headphones drop into a puddle]]-- you lean in to kiss me && the stars fall for us. farewell to make belief. 'Cause baby, you're the real thing.

Immortal

Immortal. seeming to fall the breeze knocks me on my knees and I can't control the feeling I get when you're near seems like we're standing at the edge of the world all the thoughtless cares and silent interruptions exist only in the dead warmth of our hands that summer pale blue eyes sink... they sink into soft embers of sleep and as I try to keep my head your breathing comes out slowly and my lips become dreary they ache for the birth of awakening I yearn for your pallid irises to open and bring my smile back to life resurrect this feeling we used to have the one we still have... ...decaying in our bones. tear away at your skin and I'll break away at the marrow release yourself by imprisoning me in your heart it's the only place I want to be. immortal.

I made alot of changes in the past 9 months...some good and yes, some bad. Lets start with the bad! Why not get it over with. I cancelled my Fitness show in New York back in June 3 weeks before my date...gave up my first chance of making it pro. I havent been on stage since. Not only did I take a break from competeing I also lost 20 HARD earned pounds of muscle. I guess I thought that a new way of living would bring me a different kind of happiness. A type of happiness where one does nothing to fulfill their dreams and basically takes on a distorted view of reality! Not my reality... the one that I had created thru years of hard work, dedication, perserverance and passion! No, what I did was decide that my reality was no longer valid anymore. When a person gives up their dreams and their way of enjoyed living something crazy happens to them and everyone around them sees the transformation that they feel and deny. To give a long story a point. This is the natural downward spiral I created for myself.... I quit my successful job to work with someone who wasnt prepared to run a business. I lost my best friend whom I miss dearly! My house has gone into foreclosure TWICE ! My car is still here miraculously ( through the love of my mother). I went into about $10,000 worth of debt...and NO thats not credit cards!!! I have made sacrifices that no one should have to make! Dean and I are no longer together and probably will never be again. But most of all...and I give thanks to this new realization... I lost Amy, who I loved, who I respected, who I cherished. A person with ambition,drive, self-discipline. A person with honesty and loyality in her heart. A person who didnt have it all figured out and didnt need to. A person who still doesnt! It took another unexpected fork in the road to make me so angry that I finally said "Enough is enough!" And instead of falling on the ground and crying because I dont know which way to go, I put one foot in front of the other and just moved . I didnt crawl , I never made it to the ground ! I walked and I walked until I saw a new road ahead that didnt have a fork...no this road keeps on going as far as the eye can see, its limitless! I dont quite know why I made the choices I did this year to experience the hardships and sufferings I have. However, I do know that what ever my reality became was SUPPOSE to be MY reality, a condition that I created and needed (not the need I like) to experience. Yes my house is still in foreclosure, and yes I still dont have my best friend, and yes Im still in debt,and yes Dean and myself will move on, and this week I will have to depart from many possesions in my home as they leave with my supposed future, to never be seen again. Now for the good news... Nothing!!! is inherently good or bad. It is as it is !! Its how you deal with the choices you make or dont make in your life and the state of mind you carry with you each and every day as you decide to follow thru. I dont know what the end result will be, but I do know that it will not begin with tears! There will be tears along the way, but thats good! Im better off shedding that unwanted burden anyway!!! My only material goal is to save my familys' home! My ultimate goal is to have inner peace and stability to be able to handle that one given moment when it all may be taken away! I can handle it!

Life's Lessons

Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow. We must fail in order to know. Sometimes our visions clear only after our eyes are washed away with tears! Life has a bizarre way of teaching us exactly what we need to know. We can either choose to see this and listen very closly to the teaching at heart or we can choose to fight the nature of the cause and create more misery for ourselves. The choice is very personal and individual, depending on where you are at in your life and your state of mind at the time. I have chosen to open my eyes and to listen very closely. Paying very particular attention to what my life needs and not so much to what I desire. I may have to be lonely and sad a little bit along the way, but the end result will bring me true happiness, because ,I listened DEEPLY to my heart and dove DEEPLY into my soul to find out who I really am, what I truely have to offer , and what I truely deserve from others and from life itself. May you all find your true happiness, enjoy!